Let's skip that skeletal biographical structure, and turn it into something more personal, in order to you know me more clearly.
I, Mateus Alves de Souza, was born in Belo Horizonte, Minas Gerais, Brazil, on July 21, 1997, but I moved to Divinópolis, Minas Gerais, Brazil, my current city since 2007.
My first childhood I consider the golden phase of my life, and irrecoverable, even for memory, because I remember vague events and routines, but of which were the best. I loved living in Belo Horizonte, the places I used to attend were all welcoming; especially the school, where I had some friends ( I still wonder what happened to them ... ), we played and laugh so much, without worries adult life provides us now . I was very happy, so many amazing learning is still my biggest attribute for that time. But because of my father's work, we had to move to a city we had never heard about before.
At that time, I thought pretty hard to accept the change, because although I didn't have any friends of my age where I lived, I also liked the place condominiums provide, that contact with neighbors ( except neighbors who didn't even give a good morning! ), birthdays, parties ... But life goes on, I just can't always stay in the same place, and some time later, I had become accustomed to Divinópolis, the Princess of the West ( like they call the city here ), and the capital of clothing. I must admit at least the weather here is much better than Belo Horizonte: less pollution ( of all kinds ) and cold ( but not enough, for me, Brazil would snow all year! ).
The first house, rented, didn't have much to complain about. It was a good house, and it resisted the 4 years of my active childhood. After these years, we moved to another house, almost on the same street as the previous one. And this second house, also rented, was certainly the worst house we ever lived. Not in terms of structure or size, it would be cozy ( because although it is small, it's well structured ), if wasn't the negative energy prowled there, and still surround that house ( it even gives me shivers just pass in front of it until today! ).
I was informed later a woman who lived in that house before me and my family, worked with black magic, and isn't necessary say much about it, just see our first day there: the day we arrived, as a child, I ran around the house and played, without noticing certain convenient details, but they didn't escape the look of my mother. And these details, my mother says, consisted of the remains of colored candles in the corners of the house, frogs simply "sprouted" from a hole in the ground - which I was not mistaken, was what we call "box of fat" ( I don't know the right translate ) - and we tried to get rid of them, they just appeared again in that place, without other logic explanation ), inverted crosses behind the doors, peculiar coins spread on the ground ( which I even thought be pretties, because of a toucan - I think this was represented ) and other things of the same level.
And if all that were not enough, the first owner of that house, lived and died in it, but we don't know much about it. What I and my family know is some supernatural events have occurred in that house, from hearing footsteps and voices, to seeing this gentleman who died in the house sometimes, occasionally in the window or under the guava tree he had in the yard ( and not only with us: my brother and his family, when they moved into this house, when my family and I moved after some years, also had some strange situations ).
At that time, when I was a catholic, I was terrified of these things ( there is still some fear now, but for another reason now: the unknown, not because it is bad or if actually exists ). I had a lot of prejudice with people who practiced Satanism, as well as the people who participate in the LGBT community, because of the religion I followed. I'm a little ashamed of that, but fortunately, we grow up, mature and realize our mistakes, and today, saved from any prejudice, knowing what the others are / believe / dress / think / ... must be respected, as long as it doesn't hurt anyone; it's more than obligation as a human being.
Today, I consider myself a Free Thinker, which isn't a religion, but a philosophical thought, which in short words, is a person who can believe or disbelieve in any being of mythological / supernatural origins, as long as it is scientifically proven ( more likely to believe ) and / or psychologically ( which is harder for me to believe, for it depends on my faith, and my faith is tied to what I can pick up with my senses ). Since I don't think about it often, I don't have some sort of god or divinity; which doesn't mean I can not believe there's a flying macaroni monster that rules the universe, as long as it's proven. I'm just commenting about this house and this negative energy; that I can not deny it exists somehow, and the fact of being a free thinker, because they denote some phases of my life. The time I lived in that house and a few years later, are the phase of the darkness of my life, while my spiritual finding marks the end of the bronze phase and the beginning of the silver phase I'm living today.
During the period when I lived in the "haunted" house, until I finished elementary school, it was the darkest phase. From the beginning of my life, I was surrounded by love and joy, and I was a little "spoiled", not for pride, but for tenderness and affection. When I met what is called an "existential crisis", or even something deeper, depression, my seemingly endless walls of comfort and full of light, fall to the ground, revealing darkness and loneliness surrounded me and consumed me, until I almost made a choice without return. Could it have been the "house" responsible for this? Scientifically speaking, perhaps, because this question of "negative energy" can be brought up and explained in the ambit of quantum physics. But regardless of who has the "fault", I don't recommend this kind of phase, nor my worst enemy.
The dark phase was a very difficult period for me. Until the fourth grade, everything was reasonable, not a thousand wonders, but it was a bearable life: few friends, play, learn, as a child must be. The beginning of loneliness. For some reason people started to walk away from me. Little by little, I was left with no one I could call more than my classmate. Even my parents, because they thought I was independent to do my lessons alone, and I did not really need it; but what I wanted most was only their company. But I could not express myself, so what did happen? I began to accumulate feelings, good and bad, especially bad. A time bomb.
To accumulate feelings was due not only to the absence of beneficial human presence, but also the presence of some malefic individuals. I was bullied for anything they could find in me. For being smart, being effeminate from their point of view (and I don't deny it, but I'll explain it further), and even by being alone, and I didn't know how to deal with it. Over the years, this has been crowding in such a massive way; contained hate; past hurts, in 2010 life became unbearable. I didn't want to do anything, although I always did my best, showing myself as a strong person. And I'm certainly, some people even call me ice heart currently, but at that time, they were other concepts. It was like a mask, hiding a shattered face behind.
This time bomb had reached its limit. When I was in the shadow of the bottom of the well, I thought there isn't any sense to live. I had developed very acute misanthropy ( to the point of wish the death of others ), I was too advanced to regress, and I still have some vivid remnants today, but it is controlled, fortunately. I just wanted to disappear. I couldn't feel alone anymore. I currently enjoy being alone at the most of the time, but feel loneliness means being alone even from yourself, and that's how I felt at that stage. Or as I would say at that time, "even God had forsaken me?" Then an idea began to gain shape on my chaotic mind, an outlet for suffering: suicide.
Despite being strong, towards other persons, suicide was the closest I got to being brave. Courage or cowardice? Why judge? No one can be inside your skin and know what goes on in your mind, if you are sane or disturbed. But one thing is certain: some people can't be strong and / or lucky enough to survive depression, and unfortunately, they make irreversible decisions. But with me, just happened two things that turned my chaos upside down. In 2010 I met two salvations: the art and Lady Gaga. Hello? I'm about to explain.
At that time, the American singer Lady Gaga, was on her tour for the album called The Fame Monster, which a cousin introduced me to a DVD containing one of those shows. I terminated getting interested in the crazy way she had, even in the middle of my chaos, and I decided to research more about her, her history, her songs, even without knowing English and having poor internet for it. Something about her had aroused a different interest in me, her peculiarity enchanted me. And one day, she announces a song and the album that bears its title, which with it, Lady Gaga was responsible for pulled me from the bottom of the well, taking me to the light: Born This Way. Whoever is reading and never has heard this song, look for the lyrics of it, I recommend, even if you aren't passing trough existential crises.
Born This Way, talks about accepting, not cares about with what others say about you. About being who you are truly. About you be perfect just the way you are. It was what I needed hear. My parents didn't know what was going on, and I don't blame them for not helping me when I needed them. But she helped me and made me avoid an assured end. And today I'm a Little Monster ( as she affectionately calls her legion of fans ), I have a lot of admiration for what she did for me and for so many young people who were and still pass in situations similar of mine. When I began to understand if I live by of what others think of me, I would never live my life and be who I am, but something idealized by others, a fantasy. I began to forgive, to deal better with people. I was slowly returning to being that loving child that I was once before everything have happened. Even with the enemies; instead of exhaling hatred, the slow conversion of it has now turned into love and compassion.
The phase of adaptation to society I consider my bronze era, which lasted from the end of elementary school to the end of high school. Lady Gaga had taught me to love again, and art had consolidated that. Even in high school I had enemies, but it was another context now, because I was flying high with my art. In 2010 I discovered origami, the art has captivated me until nowadays. I had built for myself a big crane, and it flew above all. Not by pride, but by intangibility. Higher and higher, where their arrows didnt hit me as I climbed the clouds. Origami represents an important part of my life, and its meaning only grows stronger over the years, and it was extremely crucial at the time I discovered it. It is much more than fold paper and achieving a result. ( If you click the tab curiosities, you will understand better what I mean. )
I am currently living the silver age, which began after I finished high school. Just after we moved from the haunted house during the bronze age, things started to go where I wanted to go. After all the turbulence I had, something was still missing. Forward to where? Accept what? What am I after all? And it was in the silver age I found myself in three places were obscure until then, by the evolutionist view of acceptance and ascension I used to have: politically, sexually and spiritually ( the last already mentioned ).
As it remained misanthropy in me yet, defined me as a nihilist. Nihilism would be the denial of values that society has and that prevent it from progressing.
I also discovered asexual in the meantime from 2015 to here, including myself in the LGBT community, the same one I used to judge without precepts. An asexual person don't have sexual attraction to another person, nothing more than admiration or "platonic love", if it is difficult to understand. And this opens doors for me on both sides of the attractiveness condition of the human being, cause I can use both gay and hetero slang for example, without guilt in my conscience anymore. Many people deem me effeminate, they think that I am gay and something else, but I don't care about it, it was the time that my ears held those opinions. And being asexual don't make me better or worse than anyone, I didn't choose, and it's useless to force against what is about my nature. I was born this way.
Even my life was a little troubled at the beginning, now it's way too calm, and I guess it's going to stay like this. I'm glad if you got to the end of this text, know a little of the artist behind his art. I hope in some way to have helped you! Remember: Love yourself, with your imperfections and weakness, because you were born this way. Only then, will you be able to love the others!